“In a brief moment you can be changed forever.”
~Sidney Tucker~
~Sidney Tucker~
A lot of my stories deal with the loss of loved ones and how they are missed. In this story I want to share how I found hope in what could have been the darkest moment in my life. How I remembered that god was there with me waiting on me to depend on him and him alone.
Back in March (08), I hurt my back by slipping in the shower. I didn’t think much about it until a couple of days later when I felt numbness in my legs and pain in my chest. Even then, I thought I was having a heart attack. I walked into the emergency room and they did test after test. After a spinal tap, MRI, and a CT scan I was told I had multipliable disks that had swollen onto my spinal cord and could cause more damage if left untreated. I talked to a Neurologist who told me I needed surgery to correct the problem. It couldn’t wait or I could face bigger problems very quickly. Soon the surgeon was there talking to me. Explaining what I should expect before, during, and after the surgery. Hurting and scared I opted for the surgery. I was sent to ICU where my room would be and was told I would have the operation first thing the next morning. Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night worried about what was to come.
Time came and I was knocked out and the operation was underway. Eight hours later when I woke, I found out the worst was yet to come. They touched my legs and even though I could somewhat tell they were touching me, I could not move. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't even move a toe. I heard them say they cut to high, but being so sleepy I can't say for sure. They quickly did more test. MRI (which due to the titanium rods they put on my spine was a waste of time) then another CT scan. It was found they kinked my spinal cord during surgery causing more swelling cutting off the nerves that allows movement and feeling. After a second surgery and a time of waking up the doctor came and told me the news. We are sorry, there is no way of knowing, and you may never walk again were the things they said. They put me on steroids in hopes to reduce the swelling. This caused increased blood sugars that caused me to become diabetic that caused me to be placed on insulin. I laid in my bed unable to roll over, sit up, or move in any way. I was paralyzed from the chest down. They would pull me onto a chair to set me up to allow better blood flow. I allowed them to do as they wished no matter how intense the pain was, because I didn’t care, I had lost hope in ever being whole, being useful, being a man ever again. They would roll me side to side to help prevent bedsores, and all I could do was cry. My arms moved and I could turn my head but that’s all I could do.
I remember the fear setting in while I was lying in bed at Stone Crest hospital. I cried not knowing what was next. I asked God for so many things to let me wake up and all this be a dream. I asked to him to let me wake up back in time so I can avoid all of this. Please God I will do anything you want, and I cried and cried asking why me. The nurses tried their best to take care of me, but it was hard for me to appreciate their efforts. On my fifth day, I was move to Vanderbilt Stallworth Rehabilitation hospital so I could learn how to get around in a wheelchair, transfer in and out of bed, and use the bathroom all over again. Having to be taken care of, to be changed, and help to bathe truly helps someone learn what humility is (at least it did me.) The idea I couldn’t do the simplest things and that strangers would see me in the most private of ways was more than my mind could handle. The first three days were the worst; they wanted me out of the bed and in a wheel chair. I was not just over weight but swollen as well, and took 3 and 4 people to help me transfer. I had no muscle control, no balance so I was always afraid I would fall to the floor. Then came the day things started changing for me. There was a little woman named Susan came in to transfer me to my chair. I asked where her help was she told me I was her help and I could and would do this. I was stunned and shocked, but something about her confidence made me feel I could do it. I listened to what she told me to do, I took my time, and just she and I took me from my bed to my chair. Though tired I knew at that moment something was different.
My time in the hospital did more than show me humility. It also helped my mind to become quite not only in asking God to talk to me to tell me what to do, but to hear him as well. In a brief moment, words came to mind that my Sunday school teacher once said. It was a story about how Shepards in years past would take a lamb that would continually wonder away from the flock and break its leg then feed it by hand. Taking care of its every need until it was healed and then its trust would be fully and solely with the Shepard and the lamb would not wonder away. I saw in so many ways how this could be me now in God’s hands, but what was next? I asked God if I’m in your hands what do I do now? What was next came with in minutes of me asking God. My roommate’s friend came in he was a member of the Gideons and asked me if I would like a copy of the New Testament. Of course, I said yes and started reading it as soon as I could. I knew God was talking to me and I needed to find out what he had to say.
Matthew 7-11
7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
I can’t explain what I felt next. I knew this was the passage I was meant to read. It echoed in my mind as if someone was saying it over and over. That moment I prayed harder and truer than I ever have in my life. I still remember the words as if it were yesterday.
“Oh Lord, here I lay broken, not sure what to do. You said ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, first I seek you to be with me to give me peace to accept where I am, to be strong so I can be an example to others who be like me. I ask you make me whole again in your time, to be as you will. Guide me Lord. Amen”
I slept well that night with peace I never truly knew before. Monday was the start of not only a new week but a new me. The doctor came in and looked me over deciding what things we needed to look at. I asked him about walking again and he told me not to get my hopes up for I showed nothing that made him think I would ever walk again, but anything could happen. The first of my two therapist came in to help start showing me how to get dressed by myself. I asked him about what I needed to know about walking again. He asked me if the doctor said I would I told him no, he didn’t say I would but I know I will. He asked me how I knew. I told I just knew, it was promised to me. With a smile he told me when I moved my leg he would start talking to me about it. My second therapist came in she was to work with my mobility. She was to help me get strong working my muscles, even my legs. I asked her about walking. She told me it all depends on the movement I give her to work with. You can’t stand if the muscles aren’t working right. This was Erica, she would never tell me I wouldn’t walk again. She would challenge me and tell me if I give her the muscle to work with she would make it stronger.
I prayed again that night and every night that week the same prayer. The end of the week came and it was Saturday morning I was in a special chair in the shower I leaned over and saw a toe move. I was scared I was only seeing what I wanted to see. I called a technician in to see and I willed it to do it again and it did. She told me she saw it and I cried sobbing thank you God. I started flexing my toe all day both Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night before I went to sleep I moved my leg to one side. Took all I could to do it but I did. Monday morning came and I thanked God again, soon my therapist came in to help me dress. I asked again about me walking. He smiled and said as genteel as he could he would be more than happy to talk to me about it when I show more improvement like moving my leg. I move it and asked is that good. He was shocked and asked me to do it again, so I did. My doctor wasn’t as impressed he would refuse to give me false hope, but following it with you never know. As the weeks passed one leg moving became two. Everyone loved my attitude toward getting better.
Every day I prayed giving thanks for the power God was showing through me. Everyone that would listen I told them look at what God has done. Every week something new would happen. I pushed myself further and further everyday wanting to taste more of God’s power. The power now flowed through me and overflowing on to others, I was asked to talk to other patients who seem unwilling to try, to give hope. Now I’m home through the help of great friends and the church I was able to have my truck converted to hand controls so I could return to work. I’m still in my wheelchair but I’m standing, taking steps. As to date I’ve walked 120 feet all do to the power of God. I’m not done yet God is molding me and I can’t wait to see the final product. I got to share my story at church through Cardboard Testimonies and I can only pray I inspire others that no matter the problem God can carry you through it. With God in my life I can do it, what ever it is. I push myself with God's help to show my son it can be done.
Sidney Tucker
Back in March (08), I hurt my back by slipping in the shower. I didn’t think much about it until a couple of days later when I felt numbness in my legs and pain in my chest. Even then, I thought I was having a heart attack. I walked into the emergency room and they did test after test. After a spinal tap, MRI, and a CT scan I was told I had multipliable disks that had swollen onto my spinal cord and could cause more damage if left untreated. I talked to a Neurologist who told me I needed surgery to correct the problem. It couldn’t wait or I could face bigger problems very quickly. Soon the surgeon was there talking to me. Explaining what I should expect before, during, and after the surgery. Hurting and scared I opted for the surgery. I was sent to ICU where my room would be and was told I would have the operation first thing the next morning. Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night worried about what was to come.
Time came and I was knocked out and the operation was underway. Eight hours later when I woke, I found out the worst was yet to come. They touched my legs and even though I could somewhat tell they were touching me, I could not move. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't even move a toe. I heard them say they cut to high, but being so sleepy I can't say for sure. They quickly did more test. MRI (which due to the titanium rods they put on my spine was a waste of time) then another CT scan. It was found they kinked my spinal cord during surgery causing more swelling cutting off the nerves that allows movement and feeling. After a second surgery and a time of waking up the doctor came and told me the news. We are sorry, there is no way of knowing, and you may never walk again were the things they said. They put me on steroids in hopes to reduce the swelling. This caused increased blood sugars that caused me to become diabetic that caused me to be placed on insulin. I laid in my bed unable to roll over, sit up, or move in any way. I was paralyzed from the chest down. They would pull me onto a chair to set me up to allow better blood flow. I allowed them to do as they wished no matter how intense the pain was, because I didn’t care, I had lost hope in ever being whole, being useful, being a man ever again. They would roll me side to side to help prevent bedsores, and all I could do was cry. My arms moved and I could turn my head but that’s all I could do.
I remember the fear setting in while I was lying in bed at Stone Crest hospital. I cried not knowing what was next. I asked God for so many things to let me wake up and all this be a dream. I asked to him to let me wake up back in time so I can avoid all of this. Please God I will do anything you want, and I cried and cried asking why me. The nurses tried their best to take care of me, but it was hard for me to appreciate their efforts. On my fifth day, I was move to Vanderbilt Stallworth Rehabilitation hospital so I could learn how to get around in a wheelchair, transfer in and out of bed, and use the bathroom all over again. Having to be taken care of, to be changed, and help to bathe truly helps someone learn what humility is (at least it did me.) The idea I couldn’t do the simplest things and that strangers would see me in the most private of ways was more than my mind could handle. The first three days were the worst; they wanted me out of the bed and in a wheel chair. I was not just over weight but swollen as well, and took 3 and 4 people to help me transfer. I had no muscle control, no balance so I was always afraid I would fall to the floor. Then came the day things started changing for me. There was a little woman named Susan came in to transfer me to my chair. I asked where her help was she told me I was her help and I could and would do this. I was stunned and shocked, but something about her confidence made me feel I could do it. I listened to what she told me to do, I took my time, and just she and I took me from my bed to my chair. Though tired I knew at that moment something was different.
My time in the hospital did more than show me humility. It also helped my mind to become quite not only in asking God to talk to me to tell me what to do, but to hear him as well. In a brief moment, words came to mind that my Sunday school teacher once said. It was a story about how Shepards in years past would take a lamb that would continually wonder away from the flock and break its leg then feed it by hand. Taking care of its every need until it was healed and then its trust would be fully and solely with the Shepard and the lamb would not wonder away. I saw in so many ways how this could be me now in God’s hands, but what was next? I asked God if I’m in your hands what do I do now? What was next came with in minutes of me asking God. My roommate’s friend came in he was a member of the Gideons and asked me if I would like a copy of the New Testament. Of course, I said yes and started reading it as soon as I could. I knew God was talking to me and I needed to find out what he had to say.
Matthew 7-11
7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
I can’t explain what I felt next. I knew this was the passage I was meant to read. It echoed in my mind as if someone was saying it over and over. That moment I prayed harder and truer than I ever have in my life. I still remember the words as if it were yesterday.
“Oh Lord, here I lay broken, not sure what to do. You said ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, first I seek you to be with me to give me peace to accept where I am, to be strong so I can be an example to others who be like me. I ask you make me whole again in your time, to be as you will. Guide me Lord. Amen”
I slept well that night with peace I never truly knew before. Monday was the start of not only a new week but a new me. The doctor came in and looked me over deciding what things we needed to look at. I asked him about walking again and he told me not to get my hopes up for I showed nothing that made him think I would ever walk again, but anything could happen. The first of my two therapist came in to help start showing me how to get dressed by myself. I asked him about what I needed to know about walking again. He asked me if the doctor said I would I told him no, he didn’t say I would but I know I will. He asked me how I knew. I told I just knew, it was promised to me. With a smile he told me when I moved my leg he would start talking to me about it. My second therapist came in she was to work with my mobility. She was to help me get strong working my muscles, even my legs. I asked her about walking. She told me it all depends on the movement I give her to work with. You can’t stand if the muscles aren’t working right. This was Erica, she would never tell me I wouldn’t walk again. She would challenge me and tell me if I give her the muscle to work with she would make it stronger.
I prayed again that night and every night that week the same prayer. The end of the week came and it was Saturday morning I was in a special chair in the shower I leaned over and saw a toe move. I was scared I was only seeing what I wanted to see. I called a technician in to see and I willed it to do it again and it did. She told me she saw it and I cried sobbing thank you God. I started flexing my toe all day both Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night before I went to sleep I moved my leg to one side. Took all I could to do it but I did. Monday morning came and I thanked God again, soon my therapist came in to help me dress. I asked again about me walking. He smiled and said as genteel as he could he would be more than happy to talk to me about it when I show more improvement like moving my leg. I move it and asked is that good. He was shocked and asked me to do it again, so I did. My doctor wasn’t as impressed he would refuse to give me false hope, but following it with you never know. As the weeks passed one leg moving became two. Everyone loved my attitude toward getting better.
Every day I prayed giving thanks for the power God was showing through me. Everyone that would listen I told them look at what God has done. Every week something new would happen. I pushed myself further and further everyday wanting to taste more of God’s power. The power now flowed through me and overflowing on to others, I was asked to talk to other patients who seem unwilling to try, to give hope. Now I’m home through the help of great friends and the church I was able to have my truck converted to hand controls so I could return to work. I’m still in my wheelchair but I’m standing, taking steps. As to date I’ve walked 120 feet all do to the power of God. I’m not done yet God is molding me and I can’t wait to see the final product. I got to share my story at church through Cardboard Testimonies and I can only pray I inspire others that no matter the problem God can carry you through it. With God in my life I can do it, what ever it is. I push myself with God's help to show my son it can be done.
Sidney Tucker
